Situation Normal & Company of Idiots
by Craig Wesson
Summary: A shortage of supplies drives the militia crazy, leaving Wavy to clean up the mess. Things get even worse when Irene Ellet tries to interview Welkin.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I figured I'd take a stab at comedy since it looks like no one else has. For those who haven't read my first story (Attachments), I use a new character, Rick Carson, but he's not in this one too much. Warning, a little bit of toilet humor is used.

Disclaimer: I do not own Valkyria Chronicles

* * *

**Situation Normal**

Wavy had never seen Captain Varrot so furious before. Then again, he rarely got to see her at all, the only reason he was in her office now was because his squad leader, Lieutenant Rick Carson wasn't sure if he'd be able to make it to the meeting. Anyway, Wavy watched from aside as their company Captain railed,

"That kind of behavior is completely unacceptable, do you understand?!"

Standing at a rigid attention in front of her desk was Alicia and Juno, chanting "Yes Ma'am" over and over. What they did wasn't any concern of Wavy's; he just wished things could move on.

"Now, I understand we've been having supply problems, but I will not tolerate such disgraceful behavior because of it! Am I making myself clear?!"

"Yes Ma'am!" said Juno and Alicia together for the last time.

"Good! Now wait outside until I have time to deliver your punishment. Dismissed!"

Alicia and Juno both did an about face and exited the room briskly. With no one left to yell at; Eleanor turned on Wavy, "Where the hell is Lieutenant Carson?!"

"Ma'am!" said Wavy snapping to attention, "He asked me to speak for him if he couldn't make it."

Rick came barreling into Eleanor's office right after Wavy's last word, "Sorry ma'am! I'm here now."

"Good!" grunted the Captain as she pulled out a file from inside her desk, "This is for you, you're getting a new recruit."

That wasn't good thought Wavy; if he knew anything about Rick Carson it was that he had a strict check-list for anyone wishing to join him. Squad 4's muscular Lieutenant took the file from Eleanor's hand. His jaw dropped when he read it, "Hold the phone! This is a woman!"

"Is there a problem?" asked Eleanor from under a pronounced frown.

"Well you should know by now that I'm a sexist bigot ma'am, I only take men eighteen and older."

Wavy sighed, spoken like a true chauvinist, though he suspected Rick wasn't aware of it.

A vein appeared on Eleanor's head, "I don't care! You're taking her and you're going to treat her like any other soldier! Dismissed!"

____

Rick's predicament somehow got dumped onto Wavy after that. Before leaving Eleanor's office Rick shoved the personnel file into Wavy's hands and said "You deal with it." This was not what the former school-teacher needed right now. As one of the oldest Gallian militiamen he found himself playing babysitter to the other soldiers almost every day, not an easy job in the least. And now that the company had supply problems things were getting worse and worse.

At least the weather was good; Wavy's walk back to squad 4's barrack was a pleasant one. Taking his glasses off he looked up at the blue sky, remembering his wife and kids and wondering what they were doing. The thought was interrupted,

"Wavy! Wavy!"

Vyse, squad 4's best shock trooper, came running up to him, "So what happened to Alicia and Juno man? Aika won't tell me anything."

Wavy rubbed his eyes before replacing his glasses, "I don't know, I didn't ask."

"What? Why not?"

"Because I don't care. We've got a new recruit waiting back at our barrack and I've been charged with meeting her."

"Well while you're at it try and figure out where the hell all our supplies are. I swear, if I have to wipe my ass with newspaper one more time I'll…"

"Ah!" a scream reverberated from up ahead. A group of Gallian soldiers had circled around a commotion on the side of the road. Wavy took off towards it, whatever it was it couldn't be good.

It all became clear when he made it to the crowd. Marina, one of squad 7's snipers, had a scout's neck pinned between her thighs.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Ted Ustinov gasped, "I just wanted to surprise you is all! It was supposed to be funny!"

An evil glint in her eyes, Marina squeezed his neck harder, "Ha, ha, ha," she hissed.

"Marina, get off him." Wavy said sternly. With a sadistic smile she obeyed, letting Ted get up.

"Don't sneak up on me like that again." She hissed. The command was enough to send Ted on his way and gave Wavy a chance to give his lecture, "Look, I know everyone's on end because of the supply problems we've been having but it's no excuse for fighting."

Rolling her one visible eye she nodded, "Yes sir…"

She didn't mean it but Wavy didn't have the energy to father her right now. He simply moved on trying to get to the barracks without anymore interruptions. Vyse stayed on his tail the whole way.

"So what's his name?"

"Her," Explained Wavy, "This recruit is a her."

"What?! And Rick's okay with that?"

"Of course not, that's why he's making me show her around."

Wavy put one hand on the door to squad 4's barrack and sighed. So it began.

____

She was short, sporting a blue beret on top of a brown head of hair.

"Hello!" she waved, "I'm Nancy Dufour, nice to meet ya!"

Wavy's heart sank, well-mannered and preppy wasn't something Rick was going to go for. He smiled despite his pessimism, "Yes, hello." He motioned to himself and Vyse, "This is Vyse. You can call me Wavy."

"Yes sir. I know I'm new but I promise to try my best to be a useful member of your squad."

Wavy put his hand up, "I'm afraid you're mistaken, I'm not your squad leader."

Nancy raised an eyebrow, "Oh, I'm sorry. Um…Captain Varrot said that I'd be meeting squad 4's Lieutenant though."

"He had to take care of some unexpected business, don't worry you'll get to meet him soon enough."

Wavy struggled to keep a smile on his face, if only this poor girl knew what she was getting into.

The doors behind them all flew open and a very panicked Welkin Gunther yelled for their attention, "Wavy! Vyse! The Edelweiss, have you seen it anywhere?!"

Wavy couldn't believe the words that just came out of Welkin's mouth, "Are you saying you lost it?!"

"Look." Began Welkin trying to make a case for himself, "Isara said she came in this morning and couldn't find it in the hanger. I'm guessing it was moved last night."

Vyse pulled Wavy's ear, "_Same time that Juno and Alicia got into trouble, think there's any connection?_"

Wavy pushed the young shock trooper back and fingered his beard, "Have you talked to Captain Varrot? Maybe she needed to move it and hasn't told you yet?"

"Already asked."

"I swear to God!" roared Wavy. Managing a rabble of school students was less stressful. Stabbing a finger at Vyse he dictated, "Vyse, you stick with Nancy until Rick gets here." Then at Welkin, "Talk to every officer in the company, I'll ask around the base."

"Got it, thank you so much."

Wavy didn't blame Welkin for breaking his bearing, loosing a hundred tons of Gallian property was anything but good. The two of them made for the exit but two more guests blocked their way. Wavy stopped dead in his tracks. Welkin did the same and let his jaw drop. It was Juno and Alicia, both carrying mops, both carrying dust rags, both dressed in maid outfits.

"We're here to clean the barrack," Said Juno under a low brow of frustration and embarrassment.

Words totally escaped Wavy. He wanted to ask why, but something told him he didn't want to know the answer.

"It was Captain Varrot's idea," Explained Alicia looking as gloomy as a storm cloud, "It's our punishment for the raid last night."

"Raid?" asked Vyse hoping to find an answer to his questions, "What raid? Last night? What happened?"

With a menacing glare Alicia growled, "It's something you men wouldn't understand."

Wavy was loosing patience; he grabbed Welkin's attention, "Lieutenant we should be looking for the Edelweiss."

"Hang on a second!" yipped the Gallian tanker, "Alicia what in the world did you do?"

Exchanging looks, Juno and Alicia had a kind of telepathic conversation. In the end, they both explained the dark details as if it were a horror story.

"…It's been weeks since we've gotten any supplies," Started Juno.

"Food, soap, clean clothes, they're all scarce," Said Alicia.

"Last night a single supply truck made it to the base, it needed to register it's cargo at the supply depot."

"Me, Juno and a few other frustrated soldiers asked if we could access the cargo before the lengthy registering process. When the driver refused…we lost control."

Vyse was on the edge of his seat demanding more, "Then what?! What did you do?! What was so important you had to steal it?!"

Letting out simultaneous sighs, Alicia and Juno confessed, "…Let's just call it _Lady stuff_ and leave it at that."

Wavy put his hands on his face, fighting the urge to gouge his eyes out. In all honesty he felt he couldn't judge the two girls but their actions were just another sign that things were getting out of control.

"…Whoa." Said Vyse, no doubt second-guessing his desire to know what happened. Smiling, Juno looked over at Alicia, "It was funny what you said to the driver though, _if you don't do what we say things will get messy_."

"That's enough!" said Wavy, "Get to work cleaning and don't say anything else, Welkin!"

Wavy's voice made him jump, "What? Yes?"

"Come with me."

____

Exiting the barrack they ran right into Rick, absolutely no trace of happiness on his face.

"Wavy! Is she in there?"

"Yes sir and she said she's ready to learn the ropes."

"Oh I'll show her the ropes alright," Lieutenant Carson mumbled, "Varrot wants me to treat her like any other soldier huh? Well I can see to that."

"Yes sir, and if you don't mind, Lieutenant Gunther requires my assistance."

Rick consented with a wave of his hand.

"Oh, and sir? Please ignore the two girls in maid outfits inside."

"That what?!" squeaked Rick. Wavy didn't want to explain; he grabbed Welkin by the shoulder and walked him as far away from the barrack as possible.

"Okay, you ask around the east side of the base, I'll take the right."

"Tank you," Said a relived Welkin. Wavy wasn't making any promises but this was the best he could do.

____

After a full hour of searching, squad 4's second in command had found nothing. It was a hell of a way to spend a day, tiring too. Well, at least he didn't have to worry about any racist Darcsen slurs coming his way, because of the supply shortage everyone smelled bad. The Mess Hall would be his last target; if he couldn't learn anything there it was hopeless.

Streams of Gallian militiamen flowed in and out of its doors. Why was beyond Wavy, there wasn't much food left to eat. He spotted who he was hoping to spot,

"Noce!" Wavy Called.

Noce noticed immediately and came jogging over to him, a mess of papers in his hands, "Wavy! Just the man I wanted to talk to. Hey, listen, do you think Alicia is more like spring or summer?"

"What?"

"Look." Noce showed Wavy all the poems he had dedicated to Alicia's beauty, "Would you say she's as pleasant as a cool summer breeze or as refreshing as a warm spring rain?"

Wavy refused to respond to such a question, "…Have you seen the Edelweiss?"

"Welkin's tank? Yeah actually, somewhere on the east side of the base I think."

That was good news; maybe Welkin had already found the tank and the culprit who stole it.

"Thank you Noce!" said Wavy as sincerely as possible, "Looks like the day ends on a high note."

"You're telling me, I overheard some of the officers talking in the Mess Hall, this morning they snuck in a tone of supply trucks, ammunition, clothes, food, hygiene stuff, they're letting us have showers this afternoon too."

Good news obviously comes all at once thought Wavy, maybe things would actually return to normal. Taking a deep breath Wavy thanked Noce for the good news and began a long walk back to squad 4's barracks. All he needed now was a successful Welkin.

____

It was all too clear when Wavy entered the barrack. Juno and Alicia were still dusting away but Welkin had a figurative chokehold on a shock trooper from squad 1.

"…I'm sorry Lieutenant," Said Salinas Milton ashamed.

Mystery solved.

"We got re-supplied," Informed Wavy, "We all get showers this afternoon too."

"Yeah I heard," Said Welkin kicking Salinas out of the barrack, "I think Vyse is already there. Thanks again, I don't know what Isara would have done to me if I had lost the Edelweiss."

Wavy gave a modest smile, "I'm a school teacher; controlling chaos is my trade."

"And you're very good at it Wavy, never forget that."

"Thank you sir."

"Now go take it easy, get a shower and a half-way decent meal."

It sounded good to Wavy so he made his exit promptly. With any luck, his work was done for one day.

____

A large tent was assembled in the middle of the base to be used as a make-shift shower. Wavy's turn to use it didn't come a moment too soon either; the feel of warm water on his face was enough to wash away all his stress.

"Man, that's hilarious what the girls did."

Wavy sighed; Vyse was right beside him.

"So, had enough for one day professor?"

Wavy grabbed some soap, "Take a guess. Anyway, about Nancy, think she'll survive?"

"Rick's not easy to work with."

"I hope she'll be okay."

Vyse nodded, washing some shampoo from his hair, "I should probably ask her how she's doing some time…hey Nancy! Hanging in there?"

Beside Vyse, a traumatized Nancy was shaking under another shower nozzle, "N-n-n-n-n-n-o!"

Well, Captain Varrot told Rick to treat her like any other soldier. Leave it to him to twist her words. Wavy grumbled to himself, so much for the rest of the day being quiet.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Got some ideas while digging through character biographies and watching the Valkyria Chronicles anime so I figured I'd get them to paper. Assume that because this story is attached to _Situation Normal_, it takes place **before** _Different Directions_. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Valkyria Chronicles or it's characters.

* * *

**Company of Idiots**

"You _will_ tell me," shouted Irene Ellet, "Everything you know about Lieutenant Welkin Gunther!"

The words were harsh but Irene knew they would do the trick. Considering her opponents, she needed to be aggressive. Sitting in front of her to the right was a dashing young squad leader, well built with a set of eyes that would make any girl melt. Faldio Landzaat smiled and pulled aside some of his wavy hair, "Oh, really? What's in it for me then?"

Irene smirked; charm wasn't going to work on her. She jabbed her pen at him, "You are his best friend aren't you? Went to school together? Don't you want to help make him look good in the eyes of the Gallian populace?"

Faldio leaned back, "Smart and beautiful, you make a tempting offer."

Irene sighed; this one wasn't going to make life easy for her. She turned her attention to the man sitting next to him, the slightly older gentlemen with a surprisingly well developed upper body, "Alright, your turn Lieutenant Carson, your thoughts on Lieutenant Gunther."

Rick lazily raised an eyebrow, unlike Faldio, he was not one to charm anyone, "Lieutenant you say?"

Irene was taken off guard, "Um…yes, that's what the Gallian military press release said."

"I thought he lost his commission."

The young reporter nearly jumped out of her seat and started scribbling in her notebook, "Really?! Wow, the military really kept that one under lock and key."

"Yeah," Faldio began, "Terrible story, his own fault really."

Rick picked up the story with a heartbroken tone, "The booze, the women, war really does change a person I guess."

Faldio tapped Rick on the shoulder and whispered, "_Was he ever acquitted of those sexual harrasment charges?_"

Rick solemnly shook his head and informed Irene of the sad truth, "Many a innocent and pure girl has fallen victim to those hands of his."

Irene's brow fell low, "You both are lying to me."

"We lie to ourselves," said Faldio with a tear in his eye, "We all just can't accept what our friend has turned into, so we tell ourselves he's Gallia's hero. He doesn't even talk to us anymore. He's always staying out late doing God knows what."

"Alicia has probably suffered the most, that damn tank of his means more to him that she does."

Faldio jumped in quickly, "He sketched her picture once…then told her she was as cute and pudgy as a sea lion."

There was a long pause, after which Faldio corrected himself, "…Wait, that actually _did _happen."

"I see…" mumbled Irene unhappily while staring at their fake looks of sadness. Rick reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigar, "Do you mind? All this talk about Welkin has made me very depressed."

"Your lies aren't going to stop me," Irene stated, "Someday I'll get a face to face interview with the Lieutenant and learn all his secrets."

Squad 4's officer shrugged, "Fine by me, but when you do, please ask him to stop doing all the terrible things he does," Rick lit up the tip of his cigar, "It's just not healthy."

_____

Miss Ellet left her meeting with the two officer's no closer to Welkin than when she arrived two days ago. Walking through the busy halls of Randgriz military base, she tried not to be depressed, she had learned so much the short time she had been with the militia, but the absence of the famous Lieutenant Gunther was a blow to her pride.

Irene began to go over all her notes again. She had collected so much, but in the end she felt it was meaningless without the Lieutenant, and that's what both she and her listeners wanted.

"_It doesn't matter how much material I have, I can't go on the radio and not talk about Welkin,_" she murmured to herself.

Down the hall, Irene caught sight of the only soldier who could help her now, Alicia Melchiott.

"Excuse me! Miss sea lio - " she couldn't cover her mouth fast enough, Alicia heard her and closed the distance between them fast.

"Oh, you think that's funny do you?!" she bellowed, "I'll have you know there is nothing wrong with a few pounds of fat, it's perfectly natural!"

"I-I'm sorry Miss Melchiott, very, very sorry I didn't mean it!"

With a clenched fist, Alicia raged at the ceiling, "One day I'm going to gain so much weight it will be impossible to call me cute! I'd like to see what Welkin does then!"

"I know! I know!" nodded Irene trying to get her to calm down, "And I'm sure the Lieutenant would totally agree, why not tell me where he is so I can talk to him about it?"

Alicia sighed, "You can't, he's in a meeting. General Damon wanted to talk to him about something."

Irene's mood did a 180. An interview with General Damon would surely give her reporting more teeth. Whipping out her pen and paper she asked, "Really? What brings the general here? What does he want with Mr. Gunther? How long is he here for?"

"I don't know, I don't know and I don't know," said Alicia, "I just hope Welkin's handling himself okay, he can be a little…strange sometimes."

"I'm sure he's doing fine," assured Miss Ellet, "There's nothing strange about Welkin or the militia. That much I've learned."

Just then, a door down the hallway burst open. Soldier's walking down the hallway froze in shock as a bikini clad shock trooper came running out, her gun ready to be fired.

"Everybody listen up!" shouted Edy Nelson, "Please do not be alarmed, but there is a bomb inside this building."

A wave of gasps came over the crowd

"A bomb?!" asked Alicia panicked, "What are you talking about? And what's with the outfit?!"

"I don't have time to explain! Please, everyone exit the building in an orderly manner!"

Irene watched with great interest, squad 7's silver-haired beauty queen sounded like she was serious, but after a quick note check Irene remembered Edy's acting aspirations. She heard a door open behind her from which another militiaman made his presence known. He was a tall one with long hair, a rifle and a pair of sunglasses. He wasn't quite as scantily clad as Edy, but then again someone like Hermes Kissinger didn't have much to show off.

"Edy!" Hermes called, "I've found where the bomb is!"

"Oh thank goodness," said Edy.

With bravado reserved only for action heroes, Hermes explained his plan, "You get these people to safety Edy, I'll take care of the bomb."

"Please be careful!"

"Don't worry," Hermes slung his rifle over his shoulder, "I'll gladly give my life for you and Gallia!"

Wavy walked up behind him swiped the rifle right out of his hands.

"Bravo," said Wavy, "You know squad 4 is supposed to be at the rifle range now, did you forget?"

"Wavy!" Hermes whined, "What are you doing?! Give my rifle back!"

Irene and Alicia noticed some disgruntled moans coming from within the stream of hallway traffic, "Stop! Stop! Stop!" Cherry and Ramona walked out bearing an old movie camera, "Wavy! You messed everything up!"

"What are you guys doing?" asked Alicia.

Ramona spared her a few words, "Making a movie of course!"

Wavy chuckled while patting Hermes on the head, "And this was the best lead you could find?"

Hermes resented the words, "I'll have you know ladies love me."

Edy also chimed in, "And the guys go crazy over me. See? It's the perfect combination."

Irene laughed to herself, she had a feeling it was Edy's getup that earned more attention than her good looks.

"There is nothing wrong with making a little movie for the citizens," explained Cherry, "We're also taking pictures, they're going to be in next months _Gallian Girl_."

"What's that?" asked Wavy.

"Only the best magazine in the entire country!" boomed Ramona, "If you haven't heard of it then you simply aren't cool."

"I'm devastated," said Wavy sarcastically, "Still, orders are orders, let's go Kissinger."

With a firm grip on his collar, Wavy dragged Hermes away. Everyone else soon returned to their business as well, including Alicia, "Well I guess I should go check on the rest of Squad 7."

"Take care Miss Melchiott," Irene said. She waited until Alicia was gone before running off again.

"So, General Damon wants to see Lieutenant Gunther eh?" she thought to herself, "I wonder what the story behind that is."

_____

The rifle range on base was large so it could accommodate any squad that wanted to have a little target practice. Irene was impressed with the shooting of squad 4's all-male soldiers, but she would get to them later. Faldio Landzaat had accompanied Rick Carson to the range and Irene had him cornered.

"What do I think of General Damon?" Faldio repeated hesitantly, "…Are there any words GBS can't air on the radio?"

Irene scribbled in her notebook, "I'll just assume you hold him in low regard. Now, any comment on why the General is here? Or why he wants to meet with Lieutenant Gunther? Does it have to do with his past successes on the battlefield?"

"You don't give people much time to answer do you?" said Faldio, "Anyways, I'm sorry to say I don't know any details. But you know…"

Faldio spun Irene around. He was making her look at Rick further down the range but the young reporter suspected Faldio just wanted a chance to whisper into her ear.

"See Mr. Carson over there? He used to be regular army."

Irene smiled to herself, now that was something she didn't know.

Through a pair of binoculars, Rick gazed down range. Below him, the well-known sniper Catherine O'Hara laid prone, her eye in the scope of a sniper rifle. She fired; the shot was unexpectedly loud and made Irene jump. The shot struck an old Imperial tank down range with a loud pang.

"How was that?" asked Catherine.

Rick shook his head in disgust, "Barely scratched the paint. At least you hit it this time though."

"It's these bloody damned sights," Catherine protested while pointing to the true perpetrator, "I can't see a thing with this scope."

"Problems?" asked Irene playfully.

Rick sighed and motioned to Catherine's gun, "That there is an ATR-X1 anti-tank rifle. Do you have any idea what I went through to get that thing?"

Catherine stood up with a smile, "Back to the armory with it?" she asked.

"Please," said Rick with a wave of his hand, "And here I thought I was on to something. Useless piece of crap."

"So I hear you used to be in the regular army," said Irene, "Tell me about that."

"Yup, the 59th mechanized division, fastest division in the whole army."

"So, can I assume that as a squad leader your strategy involves speed?"

"That's a given, scouts make up the backbone of my squad. I believe the outcome of a battle ultimately falls on which army is the fastest and most brutal."

"I see. A real blood and guts type of squad leader aren't you?"

Rick smirked and cracked his knuckles, "War is cruel and there is no room for softness."

Just then, the short, smiling form of Nancy Dufour came up to him holding a plate, "Here's your sandwich Lieutenant, no crusts just like you asked."

Things got awkward after that. Rick's eyes began to dart from side to side, "…She's talking gibberish, I could care less about crusts."

"But, but you specifically told me no crusts or mayonnaise," insisted Nancy before turning to Irene with a smile, "It bothers his tummy."

Irene thought it best to change the subject, "So, Mr. Carson, can you tell me why General Damon is here today? Why he's so interested in Welkin Gunther?"

Rick's face melted into anxiety, "General Damon is here? Now?"

"Yes, you didn't know that? Why not?"

"Um…excuse me!" Rick grabbed his rifle like he had something urgent to do, "I forgot what time it was so I'll just be…going. Squad 4 dismissed!"

Irene, Nancy and the rest of squad 4 simply looked on confused. After running back to snatch the sandwich Nancy made, Rick bolted from sight.

_____

Mess Hall was filled with hungry soldiers from the base. Irene sat between two militiamen and lamented, the day was almost over and she had yet to scrounge any news about Welkin. She looked at her notes. Everything she did have on the militia was either weird, pointless or down right traumatic.

"_I really am in the company of idiots aren't I?_" she murmured to herself.

"What a rude thing to say."

Irene wiped her head up; Alicia was taking a seat next to her, her tray surprisingly empty. Irene cried inside, it was probably because of Welkin's distasteful comment. Did the man really not understand a thing about women? Or human beings for that matter?

"So any news?" Irene asked.

A third person took a seat across from both of them, "News about what?"

It was Welkin Gunther looking like quite the officer in a freshly pressed Gallian uniform and warm smile. Both Irene and Alicia jumped over the table and jabbered at once.

"Welkin! What happened?!"

"Any comment on why the General wanted to see you?!"

Welkin recoiled a little like he didn't understand their concern, "Well, um, sorry it was such a long meeting, General Damon wanted to talk to me about the militia. He says he's considering letting one lucky soldier in the militia into the regular army to bridge the gap between the regular army and the militia."

Irene nearly broke her pencil writing all that down, "Fascinating."

Alicia thought no such thing, "The nerve! He's the one who created the division between regular army and militia!"

"Either way I think this is a good thing. The militia has a great reputation, it would be better for Gallia if the militia and regular army learned to respect one another."

Alicia didn't seem to see it that way but settled down anyway, "Okay, fine. So who's the unlucky soldier who gets to be Damon's lapdog? Please make it Noce. I keep finding strange poems on my pillow when I wake up."

"No it's not him," laughed Welkin, "I volunteered you."

The color vanished from Alicia's face. Irene likened it to one of those moments where a second felt like an eternity.

"…You what?" shed asked, her lips trembling.

"I volunteered you. You _are_ the best soldier in my squad, maybe even the whole army and General Damon agreed."

"Welkin!" Alicia raved, "Have you seen the way he looks at me?! I'm not the best soldier in the army to him! I'm an object to him! How could you?!"

Irene giggled to herself and jotted a few things down, "Ooh, that's good stuff for the gossip section."

As usual, Welkin simply didn't understand Alicia's problem, even as Alicia scrambled to reject his offer, "I'm not going!"

"But I already submitted the paper work," said Welkin innocently.

Irene watched two soldiers come up behind Alicia. They were regulars, "Alicia Melchiott? Please come with us."

"No!" shrieked Alicia.

Welkin smiled and waved as Alicia was restrained and taken out of the Mess Hall, "No! I don't want to go! I'll do anything! PLEASE!" shouted Alicia with tears in her eyes.

Welkin continued to wave and smile. He didn't understand the harsh look Irene was giving him, "…What?"

_____

Irene left the Mess Hall with Welkin finally in her clutches. Although she felt bad about Alicia, her interview with Welkin was far more important.

"My reputation you say?" asked Welkin.

"Well, you do have one Lieutenant. Now how about you tell me about your first taste of combat huh? No, wait a second! What was your life like at the university? What was it like at home?"

Welkin rubbed his chin as he led her down the base streets, "Well let's see…"

"Welkin!"

Irene jumped up and down in fury, Faldio came running towards them, messing everything up, "I know I didn't see what I thought I saw in there!"

"What? Alicia?" asked Welkin.

"Of course! Did you guys have a fight or something? Why would you turn her over to those regular army scumbags?"

Welkin didn't seem to understand, "Why is everyone yelling at me? The regular army could use a good soldier like Alicia; maybe she can teach them a few things."

"_We _need her Welkin!"

Irene tried getting in front of Faldio, "I'm sorry but, could I just have a millisecond with the Lieutenant?"

Faldio pushed her out, eyes on Welkin, "We need to save her. Come on."

Irene watched Welkin get dragged off towards the base garage. Irene reveled in her misery for a second before following after, "Why?! Why?! Why?!"

_____

Faldio led Welkin into the vast expanse that was the base garage. The Edelweiss sat proud in the center, closely guarder by Welkin's darcsen sister. Isara looked like she was working on her brothers tank, but this was before Lieutenant Rick Carson got her attention. The two were just staring at each other for no apparent reason. Rick cautiously asked, "I um, don't mean an offense but, you look like someone I've seen before…shouldn't you be cooking meals at the Hinata Apartments?"

Isara rolled her eyes and walked away.

"Wait, what I mean is…" Rick stammered, "Does Keitaro know you're here?"

"Lieutenant Carson!" called Faldio, "A moment please?"

Rick did as requested, "Where's the fire?"

"Lieutenant Lady-killer here surrendered Alicia to General Damon. We're going to get her back."

Rick tried to sneak off with his down, "Oh, um…okay, good luck then."

"You're coming with us," said Faldio stopping him.

Irene put her pencil to her tongue, "Why the scared look Mr. Carson?"

Faldio sighed, "It's a long story, I'll give the cliff notes."

"Please don't!" begged Rick.

"General Damon has a daughter. A very attractive daughter I might add," Faldio began, "Only problem is that General Damon only wants men of high social status courting her, so one day Lieutenant Carson and I went to her birthday party and, well, told a few small lies to get in."

Rick smiled, "I was the Vicar of Bruhl."

Welkin raised an eyebrow, "There's no Vicar of Bruhl."

"He didn't need to know that!"

Faldio sighed, "Long story short the General said if he saw either of us ever again he'd shoot us both."

Irene made sure to write all that down, "Fascinating. So, what's the plan?"

Welkin, Faldio and Rick all shared nervous glances.

_____

A plan was made, and Irene was apart of it. She walked side by side with Welkin down the halls of the base. They stopped at a decorative door at the end of the hall, and with a deep breath, Welkin knocked.

"Come in!"

Welkin opened the door. Irene saw the very large figure of General Damon resting comfortably in his chair behind a large window overlooking the base. Alicia stood behind him.

"Lieutenant Gunther!" said Damon with a smile, "How may I help you?"

Welkin saluted, "Sir, if I may introduce Miss Irene Ellet, newscaster for GBS radio. She's was wondering if she could get an interview with you."

Irene smiled the best she could and showed him her pen and paper.

"Interview?" asked Damon, "Of course! Of course! Come in."

Everything was going well. Irene took a seat in front of the general. It was up to Welkin to get Alicia away from Damon, a simple restroom trip would do, but she needed to get the message first.

"I suppose you want to know why someone like me slogged all the way down to the militia's farmhouse huh?"

Behind Damon's large form, Alicia silently pretended to stick her finger down her throat.

"Well, I'll tell you," Damon continued, "It's no secret now that the militia has had quite a bit of good luck in the past few battles. I chalk that up to a few superb soldiers like Lieutenant Gunther here. And since it would be a shame to see them wasted in the militia, I'm doing my best to have them transferred into the regular army."

Alicia silently grabbed her neck and pretended to strangle herself. Then opportunity knocked. Damon turned to Alicia, "Miss Melchiott, close that door if you would please?" And if Alicia didn't already look miserable taking orders from him, a pat on the rear end capped off his request. Alicia angrily made for the door while General Damon stood up and looked out the window.

With the general not looking, Welkin tried whispering to Alicia, "_Restroom! Restroom!_"

"What was that?" asked Damon.

"Nothing!" insisted Welkin.

"So how do you like the base sir?" asked Irene.

Damon sighed and looked out the window, "…it smells weird. But the view is good I guess."

Suddenly, something came crashing through the window, knocking Damon onto the ground. Shards of glass flew everywhere and the weight of the general's body crushed his own chair.

"What the devil?!" a besieged Damon screamed.

Slowly, Hermes Kissinger got up off him. He had swung in with a rope tied to a higher floor.

"Awesome!" he shouted, "Did you get that?! Did you get that?!"

Climbing into the room through the broken window, the camera-laden Cherry and Ramona beamed, "We got it! It was so awesome! _Gallian Girl_ here we come!"

"Lieutenant Gunther!" Damon cried from underneath Hermes, "What is the meaning of this?!"

Welkin didn't explain. He picked Alicia up, "Um…sorry, have to be somewhere!" and then he took off.

"Wait!" cried Irene, "My interview!"

It was no use, Welkin was gone. All she was left with now was a very agitated General Damon.

"…Oh well." Irene murmured to herself. Hermes made talking to Ramona and Cherry a more important task than getting off of Damon, so she knelt down to him, "Well I guess an interview with you is better than no interview at all. So, General Damon, what are your thoughts on the militia?"

* * *


End file.
